We've had the parade of friends coming over to visit and see the house since we have moved in. They have seen the work we have put into the house. Alright, I am not going to lie, the fireplace was James' contribution and that's where his house work ended. I think he might have taken the trash out once or twice and he mowed the lawn last night after I couldn't get the lawnmower to start earlier in the day. I do not mean to say this in a negative way. It's just the opposite. In fact, he's been working 17 hour days at the shop for a while now. I am proud of him for that.
Besides, I like to do everything myself. Earlier tonight, he asked me if he could hire his cleaning crew to come in and clean the house so I can stop feeling overwhelmed with all of the projects to finish before the housewarming. I declined his offer as generous as it is, I want to do it myself.
I've been an overachiever in my working life. I was promoted in every job I ever held exept for the one I just left. I am the happiest when I am working 17 hour days. I like the feeling of accomplishment that comes with exhaustion.
For the last 2 months, my "career" has been transforming this house. I want it to be perfect. I am not even sure why this means so much to me but as each person who declined invitation to the party, my heart sunk a little bit. I have been working towards this goal and the finish line is in sight and I guess I just really want to share it with the people I love. And more so, it is to prove that I have not slacked since I quit McAfee. I haven't allowed myself to relax. It took me two weeks and a phone call from Autumn before I sat down for more than 15 minutes.
Chris called me this morning. She had fainted and was a little shaken up. Worried, I went and picked her up and brought her home to keep and eye on her. On my way there, I picked up magazines and juices for her to make her comfortable sitting on my couch while I ran around the house. Instead, she opted to come along to the various stores with me. After errands were run, we watched a movie. But even during the movie, I baked brownies and did two loads of laundry.
Sitting still does not suit me well. I get antsy thinking about everything I should be doing. Unless I am on vacation, relaxing feels like a waste of time. The trait gets more pronounced with every passing year. James is the same way. We have a divide and conquer approach to most things. For example, when we make dinner for his parents, we each pick one or two things to make and focus. We cook really well together as a result even in the small kitchen I had on Third Street.
James has worked really hard and overcome a lot of obstacles in the last few years. His brothers are coming to the party and I really want them to be proud of their little brother. That is another source of motivation in all this working. I want James to be filled with pride in his home when the rest of his family and friends see our house. He worked hard to get this house so I think he deserves it to be almost perfect when he unveils it to them.
Of course, there are things I want to get to make the house complete. Our fridge and stove, for example, need to be updated. I want to get a large chair for the corner of the living room. Right now, I have a rocking chair there. But I want a grand wing back chair. I saw an amazing 1920s French piece at a store in Petaluma. Anyone got a spare $5k? Yeah, didn't think so. Nothing I want can be accomplished any time soon and i am okay with that but if I ruled the world with magic super hero powers...
James is worried about me now as I am not sleeping much these days while I work on the house until late in the night and hit the ground running in the early morning. He wants to help but he has a business to run. I haven't accepted his money either as I do not want to be viewed as a slacker even though I gave him enough money to cover my share of the mortgage, car payments, car insurance, etc. until next June. The other $15k, I put into the house. Admittedly, I am running low on money and am down to my last few thousand. I start book keeping for a few local bars next week so I will start getting paychecks again to heal my ailing bank account. Since these new gigs do not require much of my time, I am working on some holiday charity fundraisers where I have started the planning and am coordinating efforts with a local school so even after the party, I have a handful of activities to keep me engaged.
Right now, I am just feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I should ask for help but I don't know how. I did have him put the laundry away earlier. It's a start- albeit a small one.
Ehhh this is just exhaustion speaking and not even being very articulate about it. Enough whining. I have 15 more things I want to get done before I go to sleep so off I go.
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