In Case of Emergency, We're All Going to Die

I cannot find my smoke detector. I remember cursing it on my way out the door this morning and that was the last time I saw it. I looked out on the hottub where I usually throw it when it is being overly sensitive and goes off when my kitchen gets a little too smokey. I checked the fridge, the freezer, the guest room, and the kitchen sink. It was no where. I checked out in the laundry room and the beer fridge. I even checked the back lawn where Ellie hides stuff usually unsucessfully. But there's no way Ellie could reach where the smoke detector is installed so the mere thought of her hiding it is completely ridiculous.

Last night, I had dreams that I was running around my house naked looking for a fire. In the dream, I heard the smoke detector going off and smoke detectors only go off in the middle of the night for emergencies, right? In the dream, the smoke detector went off a few times. The first time, I jumped out of bed and ran around the house smelling every room for smoke. Naked as I was, I even went out into the backyard to check the barbeque. Not finding a fire, I went back to bed. The next time it went off, I got out of bed again and wandered around the house at a much less frantic pace. The next time it went off I stayed in bed.

The next alarm I heard was the one next to my bed alerting me that it was 6am. Still thinking about my realistic dreams of the smoke detector's wild mood swings, I put on my bathrobe and wandered out to the kitchen to make coffee. The dream the night before felt so real that I actually wondered if I had woken up in the middle of the night to wander around my house looking for a phantom fire.

James woke up an hour later and while he was brushing my teeth I asked him if the smoke detector had gone off the night before. He said he heard it go off but he had slept through for the most part with the exception of me jumping in and out of bed to check on it. So I had wandered my house and yard naked in the middle of the night. Awesome.

In case of emergency, I'll be the naked girl. Why must I always strive to be "that girl" no matter the circumstances. Flashes of cocktail parties in the future flashed before my eyes where people would tell the story of my rescue or demise. "She was totally nude!" they would say like it was a punchline to a joke no one wants to be a part of.

James and Eleanor couldn't be troubled with the pesky beeping smoke detector and slept right through. When I moved in, I said it was for fear that these two could not take care of themselves. Last night proved it. I would be the naked widow weeping in the street while the firemen wrapped a blanket around me. "Can I go back in to save Eleanor Roosevelt?" I would beg the firemen but before I could explain that Eleanor is really my dog, they would give me drugs to settle me down as I must have completely lost it if I think a long dead first lady of generations past is burning up in my house. I would have to fight off the firemen, probably losing my blanket in the process to go back to save my boyfriend and my dog. All because they were too lazy to get up and check why the smoke detector was going off.

In case of emergency, we're all going to die.








I eventually did find the smoke detector. It was up on the shelf where I keep Ellie's treats. How it ended up there, I will never know but I am going to have to find a new hiding place if Ellie's reach is now 7 feet up.